How I Am Developing Empathy – The Skill Everyone Can Have
An insight into a personal development journey
Imagine you’re looking for advice.
You ask a friend and begin telling them your situation however you’re interrupted with their inputs and what they would do. They don’t listen to what you say. They don’t try to understand you.
Naturally, you’re frustrated. Or even angry. Agitation sets in. You may even feel like they’ve let you down when you needed them most. You begin to question their trust.
Now picture the same scenario but with someone who lets you speak without any interruption. They maintain their eye contact and take in all you say. You feel relaxed around them. There’s a warmth between you. You relax in their presence. You trust them so you begin to open up.
The difference between the two? Empathy.
A quality that is at a premium in today’s society. We see constant bickering from politicians who look to get one up on their oppositions. We question decisions and views different to our own with the assumption we are ‘right’ and everyone else is ‘wrong’.
We follow accounts and personalities with our viewpoints and neglect to even consider what those with different opinions are saying. We live in our own echo chambers.
Empathy is the ability to understand feelings without directly having experienced the situation yourself. You are putting yourself in the shoes of others. It is valuable in every aspect of life both personally and professionally.
Empathy is a key component in being a leader. With modern teams made of individuals from a range of backgrounds, leaders must empathise with each team member to truly understand the perspectives of the team. This is what leads to success.
The ultimate goal of empathy is to create a subconscious connection, establishing a bond that promotes high levels of trust. Not everyone is naturally empathetic. That’s okay. It can be learned and trained. Some may find it simple while others can find it challenging. I fall into the latter category.
It’s not an overnight fix and I have found it tough at times. That was to be expected. Trying to change the way you think and see the world is challenging and meant to be difficult.
There are numerous strategies to follow to improve your empathy. I’m going to split them into 2 categories. Practical and reflective. The first is the physical actions you take. For example, that could be letting someone speak without interrupting or jumping in with your thoughts. The second category, reflective, is self-explanatory. It’s looking back on a situation or conversation and thinking how it went.
Did it go well? Did you perform empathetic characteristics? Most importantly, what can you do better next time.
Another aspect of the reflective part is as easy as asking for feedback. What was their experience like? Did they feel empathy from you? Did they feel like you understood them?
I get it. This seems weird. And it might do it at first. That being said, actually trying to improve yourself may resonate with people. They may in turn respect you more.
Practical
I’m a numbers guy at heart. I enjoy taking data and manipulating it to see trends and patterns. That’s why I took this test almost every week for 5 months.
It measures your Emotional Intelligence (EQ) in the same way IQ measures intelligence.
It has 60 questions (40 empathy-based and 20 control). The scoring system gives 2, 1 or 0 points for empathy questions which gives a maximum score of 80.
From my graphed results, my score went up overall. There was obviously some weeks where it dropped. If I was doing this again I would ask myself how I was feeling when taking the test, how are my stress levels and whether I was relaxed or not? I suspect these answers could help understand the variation in score each week. Or, it could be the natural variance.
Either way, using this metric improved my empathy but it doesn’t give an indication of how I am in “real life”.
This is why asking for feedback is important. I frequently ask my girlfriend if she thinks I am more empathetic. She says “yes” but she may be biased. Asking close friends is a good idea because they’re likely to give you honest feedback.
Your body language is important too. Keep yourself open and welcoming. It can be tempting to cross your arms (I’ve found myself doing this) however that doesn’t always make you approachable.
Maintaining eye contact is key. Sometimes averting your gaze is natural. Even mirroring the body language of the other person is good too!
Reflective
I’ll be honest. This can feel weird at the start, especially if you haven’t got any journaling or self-awareness experience.
The aim is to become fluent in reflecting on yourself and the feelings of others. I’d like it to become an unconscious action.
It’s easy to get started. I brainstormed some ideas and came up with a list of questions to ask myself at moments when I need them.
- How does this person feel right now?
- Do I understand why they feel that way?
- Could I have listened better?
- What actions could I perform better?
This list works for me. The options you could have are endless. What works for you might not work for someone else. It may be a crude way of doing things however that’s the beauty of it.
Empathy is a leadership skill that once developed can push you on to great things. It develops trust between yourself and the people around you. This could then make you the natural spokesperson for the group.
My journey is still beginning. I sometimes walk away from conversations knowing I could’ve done better. I don’t beat myself up. I take a mental note for next time and be positive for recognising my behaviours and mannerisms. I’m a glass half full kinda guy.
With more empathy, the world can become a happier and successful place.
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